Naked Man in Woods: Slow Start to Revolution By Jeremy Johnson

featured-8-625x352On the 33-degree morning of January a 16th, a motorist noticed a naked man walking through the woods, like a lightly shaved sasquatch, next to the Iowan highway. The motorist asked the nude dude if he needed help- logical- and in response, the guy just fucked off into the forest. Fine? So the motorist called the cops. Protip: If there is a naked man outside, call the cops. The Council Bluffs authorities poked around the area for a good while, and found NOTHING. DEPLOY THE ROBOTS. Since naked dudes rarely just vanish, they decided to unleash this rad, flying, thermal detection robot that they just, you know, had. I mean, when do they ever get to use their flying thermo bot? They found Mr. Social way the hell into the forest, about a 2.5 hour walk from where the forever-changed motorist had found him. He was treated for exposure and mental stuff. We’re still waiting for an update.

It could’ve been drugs. That’s a go-to. Or maybe, just maybe, this naked woods-walker was onto something. Maybe he saw what was on the horizon for our society. He saw his friends becoming impoverished and victimized by a militarized government with unlimited global resources at their dirty, little fingertips and said fuck that. In fact, fuck this house. Fuck these clothes. Fuck democracy and social understanding. He turned his back on everything he knew. The model of humanity that he was experiencing was on the brink of an ugly, cannibalistic demise. So before he got one step closer to that, he started taking steps backwards, to find a space and time from where to restart. Maybe he expected others to see him, and instead of asking if he needed help, they would follow him. Maybe to him, WE are the naked men walking into the freezing winter woods. Maybe we are. Will we follow him?

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