Schlock & Gore: haiku reviews vol. 1!

And now for something completely different! No, I’m not talking about Monty Python, but poetry! I tried to sum up the experience of each movie in just a few syllables. I’m also greedy so I had to write a bit more about each one. Below are the haiku reviews of The Children, Breeders, Chopping Mall, The Devil’s Rain (which probably deserves its own fleshed out review), and The Velvet Vampire.



The Children (1980)
black-nailed kids attack
hug victims ’til they sizzle
–chop off their small hands

This one was a blast. Released by Troma, one of the only film companies I know that doesn’t mind seeing its child characters murdered. It’s oddly refreshing.

Breeders (1986)
unlikely virgins
white and boobly as they come
sexed by alien

Some sweet 80’s monster effects and excellent 80’s nudity for all you pervs, Breeders was a treat to look at.


Chopping Mall (1986)
minutes of my precious time
spent on robot guards

The original title Killbots would be much more fitting. I don’t remember a single chopping ocurring. Lasers and electrocution and impalement are all here though for sure. Notorious 80’s cheese.

The Devil’s Rain (1975)
eyeless Captain Kirk
the goat man begs for a book
symphony of “what?”

This movie took me by surprise. Many consider it bad but I enjoyed the ever-loving hell out of it. Has that odd 70’s pacing about it, but great style, and I’m always down for some cult-action. Especially when giant goat-headed men are involved.


IMG_8553The Velvet Vampire (1971)

Diane the vampire
in the yellow dune buggy
seduces her prey

Fun little erotic vamp romp that doesn’t make a ton of sense but for some reason that doesn’t matter. It’s like a dream you wake up from, and even though nothing strange happened, you feel off all day. Interesting little thing.

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!


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