Schlock & Gore: Bone Sickness (2004)

directed by: Brian Paulin

runtime: 98 mins.

Bad to the bone
-George Thorogood
Some people like to write a convincing narrative. Director Brian Paulin just wants to show you boobs and buckets of blood. Eleven years before Cryptic Plasm, he did exactly that as he showed off his bangs in his fourth feature, Bone Sickness.
Pictured: The director borrows Kristen’s leave-in conditioner.
Part 1 – The Boobs
Alex has a bone disease. His ample-chested girlfriend Kristen cares for him and wants to make it better. Alex vomits on her mail, and she feeds him ground up dead people. Still a better love story than Twilight. She is obtaining her ingredients from their mutual friend with questionable hair, Thomas (played by no other than Brian Paulin himself). Alex doesn’t seem to be getting better, and now he’s puking up worms and shitting maggots, as you do, and to top it all off, there may be some romance a-brewing between his gal and best friend Thomas. There is also a killer on the loose. This is the first half of the movie, and it is slow, but interesting.
“Looking for something real. If you’re just here for hookups, swipe left.”
Part 2 – The Blood
Well, completely unrelated to the bone disease and the eating of people, we are all of a sudden treated to zombies. Why not right? This is the second half of the movie, and it is a gorehound’s delight. 53 minutes in the gore is slung around with reckless abandon. As heads are split open and faces are ripped off, it is revealed that Alex has been healing thanks to the eating of dead people. He’s the killer, and now he has an insatiable craving! Ruh-roh! Claret spurts like the fountains at the Bellagio.
“Could you pass me the Advil, dear?”
Part 3 – The Wrap-Up
Bone Sickness is a Z-grade blood fest, lacking all conventions and filmed with a potato. The foley work is atrocious. The camera work is abysmal. The lighting is shit. The acting is so-so for this sort of thing.
To me Bone Sickness lost some steam once the zombies entered the fray, because to me it seemed to be a story more about relationships than survival. The gore was fun, but it was empty fun. When filming something for the price of a large order of chicken nuggets, have a strong script. The acting doesn’t have to be there, but it helps if there’s a bit of meat to chew on.
“They’re eating her! And then they’re going to eat me! Oh my Goooooood!”
I expected more. I give Bone Sickness a more than generous rating of…
Stay slime, and be RED at all times!

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