I just finished watching Werewolves on Wheels and I’m waffling like mad. That was either one of the greatest movies I’ve ever seen, or a fistful of potential, lacking the proper garnishes. Werewolves on Wheels is a subdued, occult-flecked slow-burner that makes you want to clean your nails (In a good way) and let your greasy mane whip in the wind like a flag raised for outlaw America. Okay yeah, it was amazing.
Werewolves on Wheels is a simple film on the surface. A bunch of bikers ironically called “The Devil’s Advocates” are living that nomadic biker lifestyle, drinking beer every night and getting into trouble. They encounter some satanic monks, there’s a sexy dance, and one of the bikers becomes, shall we say, altered… doomed to become a werewolf each night, as the group will soon find out.
Oobla doobla! I loved it. While I loved it, and would rock a Werewolves on Wheels T-shirt as soon as tomorrow, I also felt hunger pangs as I wanted more from it. I’ll admit, my knowledge of bikersploitation is slim, having only really seen the bikersploitation/ozploitation film Stone, and one or two others whose titles escape me right now. But, my solution to my pangs of insatiable hunger is to pair this wonderful bucket of tripped-out scuzz with a passionate remake.
Sue me, but my thirsty appetite would love to see this movie directed by James Bickert (Dear God No!, Frankenstein Created Bikers), starring Jett Bryant (from the same), with King Gizzard & The Lizard Wizard on soundtrack duty. A blasphemous, less-subtle version that’s grimy, scuzzy, and mean. Something the devil could get behind. Something to pair the original with for a night filled with all of the wonderful werewolf grindhouse biker flavors you could handle.
I realize I am basically asking this movie to be more like porn: outwardly wild and in-your-face like a throbbing cock poised for the money shot. I realize that’s not the point of Werewolves on Wheels. I also realize that James Bickert would likely never go for this. Werewolves on Wheels is an obvious inspiration to him given his body of work, and he is a man with his own big ideas, not satisfied with recalibrating existing features. Nevertheless, I’d love to see it. A remake never forces the original out of existence, remember that. I want to eat my cake and have it too, goddammit.
And then, after it’s been remade, GIVE IT SOME SEQUELS! Yeah, I said that too! Put some mummies in the next one! And make sure it’s starring Selena Gomez, because it’s rumored that Selena Gonez makes everything better. Nevermind that she is with Justin Bieber, which makes that a very fragile rumor indeed.