Schlock & Gore: haiku reviews vol. 3

It has been quite some time since the last horror haiku! The format is the same. Five films reviewed in haiku, with a short description to follow so that I may purge my brainmeats of any extra sticky gunk I have stuck in there. Without further ado…


Spookies (1986)

FX Palooza
careening off of the tracks
for my twisted soul
A story of forbidden love and fart monsters. Cool scene after unrelated cool scene in a trainwreck mishmash for the ages. From a sorcerer who sounds like he’s speaking into a milk jug, to an all out attack by some mermaid creepies. Come for the fx, stay for the wtf. The zombie attack sequence at the end is my favorite in all of cinema.
Hooker With a Hacksaw (2017)
pig mask pigeon mask
still you pay by the minute
whether sex or death
Starring Kasper Meltedhair, which tells you all you need to know about this no-budget cheapie. Nary an acting class in site, nor a story worth telling. This is Donald Farmer’s latest film, and it just does not stack up. Looking forward to his remake of Cannibal Hookers.
Black Magic (1975)
conniving people
visit the Hong Kong mystic
can love not be shared?
Shaw Brothers Hong Kong phooey of the utmost lunacy. Chinese mysticism is fertile ground for horror, and this is one of the earliest examples. Fires rage, potions are drunk, and worms squirm from open wounds. Required viewing.
Troll (1986)
one year before me
Ghoulies-like creatures felt life
in Torok’s revenge
Almost as nuts as the more infamous Troll 2 is this weirdass movie. Torok the troll torments the Potter family. Actually, the father’s name is Harry Potter, and the son is Harry Potter, Jr. No relation to the wizard, but Troll has wizards of its own. And cool Charles Band fairy creatures with a nonsensical Bandesque plot in tow. I found Troll to be as stressful as it was amusing. Regardless it had a specific vibe I found appealing. What it lacked in sense it made up for in charm and a next-to-nude Julia Louis-Dreyfus.
Moist Fury (2011)
lower than Troma
titums are never unwrapped
It’s Chris Seaver’s no-budget story of two girl gangs: The Crimson Queafs v The Roast Beefs. It’s insensitive, politically incorrect, and very stupid. Yet it’s hard to deny the steady stream of juvenile chuckles that came out of me.
Stay slime, and be rad at all times!

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