Schlock & Gore: Slimy Little Bastards (2015)

directed by Dave Parker (YouTube’s Mr Parka!)
runtime: a brisk 66 minutes
If you’ve read a ReelRat review before, you know that I have an affinity for slime, so it was only a matter of time before this film was brought to my attention. You will also know that my reviews are more likely to be laced with words like “shit” and “whackadoo” than words like “pastiche” or “oeuvre,” and this review is no exception. That’s not to say Slimy Little Bastards is unworthy of such grandiose words, as director Dave Parker does seem to know his shit. It’s only to say that I’m an asshole, and that I insist on writing whackadoo reviews.
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Here lies Dave Parker. He knew his shit.

Going for a style that director Dave Parker intriguingly refers to as “90’s pizza flare,” Slimy Little Bastards is a little creatures anthology comprised of three goofy tales and a capricious reach-around, err, wraparound, that aims to invoke nostalgia as an ode to simpler times. Does it succeed? Kinda!

The wraparound in question features a goofy, caped Vincent Price character that collects these small creatures as specimens in jars and loves to regale interested parties with his tales of tiny terror. Much in the vein of the Cryptkeeper, this weird would-be magician gnaws on the scenery like a beaver in heat as he introduces our first tale.
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I make the Cryptkeeper look like shit!
ORGANIC SHIT
This fun short is packed with hilarious mannerisms and gross sound effects. It pokes a bit of fun at food and diet trends. A meek, mute man makes some breakfast. The shells from organic eggs release a green goo from a garbage disposal. He calls a repairman of sorts. The repairman comes to take a look and becomes the first victim of a cyclopean, befanged, cute little green blob. What used to be green goo in the sink grows and changes, and then changes again to become larger and angrier. Armed with only a spatula, meek mutey fights for his life.
BRAIN BUSTERS
In our second tale, a depressed woman gets a visit from her shrink who offers her a new drug called Psycho-Plasmic to help. In a particularly depressive fit she takes the drug, squirting it in her ear, resulting in an evil little blue potato smile. Then, more stuff happens!
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Like this, only blue and sad, and wearing a cloak and shit.
This short probably features the most slick effects and the best acting in the film, but is still an overall goofy affair.
Then, there’s the final tale.
CRUSTIES
Crusties is about a bunch of Dungeons and Dragons nerds. Through a small series of events, gas station nachos, and a shared toilet, some toxic waste makes it to a D&D game. A crusty frogger and a crusty asteroid wreak their version of havoc on the group. This short is the soul of the entire anthology, utilizing the most effects and the biggest cast, who are clearly having a blast making this thing together.
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Look at me, I’m like, Frogger and shit.
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Whoa, we’re like, hallucinating and shit.
Filled with comedy and satire, Slimy Little Bastards is a film that doesn’t take itself too seriously. It respectably pays homage to small creature films while simultaneously making fun of juggalos, which makes this a little piece of indie beauty. Some of the dialogue is too quiet and some of the sound effects are too loud. The acting is touch-and-go at times. The camera is a little on the stagnant side. Nothing out of the ordinary for a film of this caliber, and honestly, those flaws come together to form a cohesive low-budget film language. Now go get some gas station nachos and shit your whackadoody guts out.
5/10
Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat

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