Spook du jour

There is no scale of judgement in this realm on which to base any critique of Vampire Time Travelers. It’s here and it happened, that’s where I have to lay my foundation. Someway for me to keep my feet on the ground as I take a look back. What have you done to me?

Edited with a dulled plastic spoon, written with a head full of crystal and given to a sound department operated by a teenager who just learned how to play guitar from Super Soaker commercials, VTT is a head-fuck treat for trash film lovers. Not in a David Lynch “I need to process and take in what I viewed” sort of way but in the way a power drill through the temple will eventually stop hurting and create pretty colors on the wall.

The opening screen crawl lets us know the Alpha Omega Sorority destroyed a vampire by the name of Natalia a few years ago. Her sister, Lorelei, swung by for some sweet sweet vengeance but was made prisoner by a more powerful vampire with machinations of her own. Five years pass and two porno seeking kids are coerced into freeing Lorelei, who immediately picks up where she left off. After a chat with her dead sister, she is told to kill the younger sister of the woman who killed Natalia all those years ago. Lorelei’s task is made a bit easier due to Sam (the said sister of the woman that murdered her sister) spending the night with three other pledges off campus and under the watch of the ultra cruel Master of Ceremonies, Vaughn, who has some secrets of her own.

If your head is already spinning from the needlessly convoluted stupidity under way, I am sorry…there’s a shit ton more going down. One pledge has dreams of being a rock star but is given the runaround by a slimy record executive, one girl is a former tennis ace who suffered a tragic attack and can no longer play and the last of ’em is a complete piece of shit who hates everyone. There’s also a hunky (by 90s porno standards) light repairman, a cameo by flesh eating slime, a masked man in the closet, vampire school, a subplot in which Lorelei has to build up her power and can only feed if she bites her victim in the butt, repeated use of the term “bite her in the butt” and a music video about biting in the butt. Luckily, it all plays out as if put together by a puppy with extreme ADD.

SOV films, when done correctly, make up for their lack of budget by either laying on the gore or being completely drowned in enthusiasm. Sometimes they deliver both, VTT lacks much splatter but holy Butt Biting Lucifer is it busting at the seams with enthusiasm. No idea was scrapped (and if it was then holy fuck) and everyone seems to be having a blast. You’ll know right away if it’s for you because it carries the same damn vibe throughout its runtime. I’m not sure what the fuck just happened but I am comfortable calling it a masterpiece. 10/10

You can experience it for yourself by heading over to https://toxicfilthvideo.bigcartel.com/