directed by Don Edmonds
runtime: 87 mins
“We’re all in this mess together, and we’re not getting out alive”
With Ilsa: She Wolf of the SS, Don Edmonds gave us the three T’s: Tyrants, Torture, and Tits. With Terror on Tour, Don Edmonds gives us the the T’s yet again: Tbad, Tmovie, Tits. So it’s easy to see how the same man was behind both.
Terror on Tour begins with a rock show by shock rock band on the rise, The Clowns. The act has onstage antics such as dismembering a mannequin, and stripping and “stabbing” a woman, then tearing off her arm and throwing it to the crowd.
When they aren’t on stage, the band does all the usual band activities such as: Talk about chicks, pop pills, and play bumper pool! One thing they never actually do is go on tour, as the title would have you believe.
But, after a hooker is murdered out back, followed by the murders of several bare-breasted groupies, an investigation is launched. Whodunnit? and Whydunnit? The two roadies are suspect, mainly because they are crass and shy, respectively. The Clowns are also suspect, since some of them are tired of this rock act and would like to go back to their pop music roots.
I couldn’t differentiate between characters. It’s a pile of average-looking white guys who spend half of the movie in identical makeup that makes them look like rejects from DePalma’s Phantom of the Paradise, and the entirety of the movie in terrible lighting. Don Edmonds gives no fucks. If you’re the type of person who needs to know the difference between Tom, Dick, and Harry, Terror on Tour will make you sad. Might even make you pull your own guts out and hang yourself with them in anger, how the fuck should I know? But you would probably be better off peeping a different rockin’ horror flick like Rocktober Blood or Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare. Or Black Roses, or Trick or Treat. Or Hard Rock Zombies, hell, there’s a lot of these things!
While not really accomplishing much, this murderer manhunt all culminates in an onstage murder. A real one this time. It’s…anticlimactic. But this slog of a ride isn’t that bad of a time with the right friends and beer. I recommend something with citrus and coriander. If you’re at all like me, you’ll just appreciate getting to consume another seldom seen slasher. 6/10
Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat
