Schlock & Gore: Star Virgin (1979)

directed by Howard Ziehm (as Linus Gator)
runtime: 78 mins
Vinegar Syndrome

I love a good anthology. And who doesn’t!? There’s Creepshow and it’s vastly superior sequel, there’s the often overlooked Asylum, there’s the perfect Halloween anthology Trick ‘r Treat…I could go on. Today’s anthology will challenge your sanity, as it has slithered into my hands from some other perverted blue dimension beyond time and space. Surely it couldn’t have originated on our planet.

A can of peaches, A Richard Nixon mask, Count Dracula, quarterback rape, power queefing. All this and more awaits you in…

Star Virgin!!!

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Holy shit! There’s a commentary! Vinegar Syndrome, you sly devil.

Our story begins in the distant future when a fully grown virgin woman (played by Hustler Centerfold Kari Klark) is born on a spaceship. She seductively yet naively eats Twizzlers and lollipops, and her interest in sex is piqued. The ships caretaker is a robot named Mentor, who appears to be built out of packing blankets and crumpled up foil paper. Her begging persists so Mentor tells her about the history of sex. It first took place in the 1950’s in case you didn’t know, and involved a park called the Garden of Eden.

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A sweaty cigar-smoking man in a snake costume sits in a tree and tempts this 50’s couple with fruits. I’m sure you’ve all heard the bible stories, so you won’t be surprised when I tell you what happens next. Adam pulls a can of peaches from the tree, covers this girl in the syrup, and then rubs the peaches all over her pum. It’s messy, and in no way sexy. Then he introduces a banana and, well…

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The forbidden fruit in that place was an unpeeled pineapple, and all who would eat of it would have the sort of  filthy sex that leads to infection -Genesis 3:6

After some convertible shenanigans we’re beamed back up to the spaceship. Our titular virgin then wants to hear more about the devil, so Mentor regales her yet again. This time with a story told as a silent film starring Dracula and Tricky Dick himself, Richard Nixon. A couple mistakes Dracula’s castle for a hotel. The Mr. get’s knocked out, and Drac and the Dick do the deed to the lady after chasing her around pantsless with Dracula flapping his cape. Richard Nixon does things with his nose that won’t surprise you. Dracula bites this nice lady in an unorthodox yet unsurprising place. It’s weird threesome rape but she starts to like it which makes it okay*.

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Richard Nixon and Dracula, according to a google image search.
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Drac is Whack.

And while we’re talking about it, it’s totally okay for two cheerleaders to rape an unconscious and concussed quarterback in the locker room*, as Star Virgin’s 3rd segment depicts. Innuendo heavy football announcing and dirty buttholes take a backseat to the oily, unappetizing deed. He finally comes to and wins the superbowl for the team, so no harm no foul*.  I really dislike organized sports, so this segment was my least favorite. I was reminded that I was viewing something from parts unknown when I was transported to a skeezy-as-all-hell titty bar.

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“What if we just rape him a little bit?”
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“THE HAMMS ARE ASSHOLES”

The sweat and oil continued to ruin my evening as the stripper performed vaginal tricks I’d rather not repeat. SHE BLOWS OUT A FLAMING BOOK OF MATCHES WITH HER SNATCHBOX 20! Then an orgy happens backstage. Each man pays $100 to participate in an orgy with a dozen other dudes and two girls. I imagine if we were to hear the event in real time it would have sounded like Danny DeVito slapping raw steaks together in a walk-in humidor.

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The orgasmic finale sees the Space Virgin unable to control herself, experiencing her first orgasm on a shiny gold bed surrounded by fog. It’s the only possible payoff we could receive, and certainly less than we deserve. I just feel bad that poor Mentor didn’t get his robot rocks off.

*These views are those of the filmmakers and in no way reflect those of the reviewer.

6/10

Stay Slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat

And if you didn’t catch on, yes, this is porn.

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In this scene, Mentor introduces our virgin to fried chicken.
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In this scene we expect the handsome scientist to get naked. He does not.
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In this scene, a bunch of men sit around and play with vibrators and wait for their turn with the two backroom ladies. This set was built in the director’s garage.

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