In no world I care to live in does the word restrained belong in the same sentence as the name Polonia. It’s not fair to anyone but it is extra unfair to us weirdos who have fallen hard for trashy low budget movies. Those damn Polonia brothers have offered up so many hours of enthusiastic stupidity spiked with bizarre sexual hangups and over the top violence that I’m willing to turn the other cheek when hit by a cinematic slap like this stinker, but that may just be because I’m hoping when I turn my face back to those weirdo twins they are humping a pile guts once contained inside their elderly nana.
Mark Polonia is working solo here and he’s starring alongside his wife and a few other familiar faces. He’s leading a team of college student archeologists on a fossil hunt in Fossil Valley, not that far away from the spot where a blasting company is blowing holes into the mountainside for “reasons”. The dynamiting of the area opens up a cave and unleashes a peaceful stegosaurus and a pissed of tyrannosaurus. Puppetry, green screen, rubber toys and (I swear to fucking god!) MS Paint bring these creatures to life.
Polonia discovers that there are living dinosaurs roaming around and gets ahold of his professor. The professor immediately calls an expert hunter to kill and collect these monsters for one hell of a payday. The hunter plans on using any means necessary to fetch his bounty and this puts Polonia and his friends in danger. All of this would make for some primo garbage cinema but something is missing and it is felt throughout the film’s runtime.
I’m not sure if it was the absence of his brother John, the costarring of his wife or a general lack of enthusiasm but Saurians is missing the sense of amusement most Polonia productions ooze. The dirt cheap effects are charming and the usual bizarre acting “skills” are certainly present and accounted for but this seems the most workmanlike a Polonia flick has ever been. It’s lifeless and unlike any Polonia film I’ve ever seen. I may just be in shock and another watch may be in order but as of right now a passionless Polonia is just far too heartbreaking to enjoy. 3/10