Schlock du Jour: Things (1989)

directed by Andrew Jordan

runtime: 83 mins

SOVember 2018 is concluding, but rest assured SOV flicks will always be a Spook du Jour staple. I can’t think of a better way to round out the month than with this Canadian cornucopia of confounding conundrums. I showed this movie to my girlfriend, and two-weeks later, we are now engaged. Coincidence? Hardly. Give it up for the lo-fi Canadian Evil Dead, THINGS.
I’m not drunk enough to write this review, and that’s the truth, but these boozing mulleted hosers were able to make a whole “movie”, so surely I can muster something sober. But honestly, reviewing Things is like reviewing a bowl of cereal with a turd in it. What is there to say? Except maybe how did this happen?
Not these things.
THINGS takes your preconceptions about logic, and puts them in the freezer with a jacket. Don’t follow me? Then you won’t follow Things. If Things took longer than a day and $100 to shoot, I’ll eat a bowl of cereal with a turd in it.
Not you things either.
I’m now two beers deep and I’d love to tell you what happens, so lets see if I can manage. A dude asks a naked woman in a devil mask in the basement to have his baby. Then, a couple of his Canuck (Canadian to you yanks) friends arrive. Since he’s busy medicating his wife or something, the friends drink shitty beer after shitty beer. One even adds tap water to it to take the sharpness of the piss flavor out. The other visiting friend pokes around the house, looking in cupboards and at lamps for what feels like an hour, exclaiming “hmm” all the while.
Cut to mullety brother every so often to check up on his ill-fitting facial expressions to complete this odd scene. It’s an excruciating several minutes, but it’s also glorious in its ineptness.
Throughout the movie, news reports cut in. Amber Lynn (the porn star) reports on the madness occurring outside due to a mad doctor and his creations. She reads her lines from cue cards off-screen. She can barely see over her shoulder pads. It doesn’t fit into the movie at all.
“In a mass epidemic, everyone is turning tricks”
“Sorry, SICK. I meant everyone is turning sick”
Somewhere along the way there are these bug creatures (let’s call them “things”) and of course those need to be killed in a great and bloody splendor. The mad doctor implanted them into the wife from earlier that I had long forgotten about. So then there’s thing killing and that sort of rounds out the movie. I’m 99% sure that 99 beers were consumed on-screen by mullety brother alone. Impressive.
Dammit, no!
Lest you think this mess is a sick stroke of genius, I was informed by an instagram follower named myartisviolence that director Andrew Jordan may have been less than acerbic: “the director did (begged for) some showings in my city and just raged around drunk the whole time. Fun was had by none.” Which is just chef’s kiss perfect.
THINGS stands up alongside the worst films out there while remaining immensely entertaining (if you’re into this sorta thing). Please, watch it alongside Sledgehammer, Killing Spree, or 555 while you enjoy a big bowl of shit cereal with your trashiest friends.
Stay Slime, and be rad at all times!

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