Schlock du Jour: Nightbeast (1982)

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IT ARRIVES!

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IT LOOMS!

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IT—Uhhhh…

I have always said “Movies don’t have enough predator ducks in disco clothes.” As far as I know, there is only one movie that fits that bill. This is the story of how a menagerie of Baltimore yokels have run-ins with a technologically advanced space chupacabra. THIS… IS…

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The Nightbeast can slash with sharp claws and it can bite with long drooling fangs. It can shoot infinite laser blasts from a dollar store disintegrator ray gun. The Nightbeast does all of this while being the love child of Elmer the Aylmer from Brain Damage and Jamie Fox as Wanda from In Living Color.
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Sheriff Cinder has the coolest fucking name, but he also needs to evacuate the town to escape the wrath of the Nightbeast. But between dealing with criminal biker Drago, and boinking his deputy in the most awkward and lackluster sex scene this side of Bat Pussy, he’s having a hell of a time. A local politician tries to throw a pool party to shmooze the governor, which is just another challenge for Sheriff Cinder since he really needs the town evacuated.
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BLAMMO! VAPORIZED!
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PEW PEW! TO SMITHEREENS!
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KABLOOEY! DISINTEGRATED!
We know the Nightbeast came from space, but other than that, its origins are never addressed. Also never addressed is why it’s killing everyone. What I like about Nightbeast is the fact that it just IS. It is devoid of any reason or explanation. There’s lasers and boobs and bad acting and joy.   This is regional horror at its finest. Don Dohler is a dastardly son-of-a-raygun, marching to the beat of his own spacedrum. He was able to find distribution with Troma, which got Nightbeast a larger audience than it would have otherwise had, which is wonderful. Now the lazy love of low budget Bob Ross AKA Sheriff Cinder can be viewed by all your friends and family!
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Prepare for a happy little…
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Me.
After viewing Nightbeast, I have the irresistible urge to go on a Don Dohler bender. If you need me, I’ll be getting tanked on The Galaxy Invader and The Alien Factor, because I can feel the love in this production. Joy be to trash. Now where’s my silver lamé leisure suit?
5/10
Slimy Christmas!
-Rat
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Are we done yet?

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