Spook du jour

I guess they ran out of the other killer animals at the killer animal pet shop. What other reason could there be for choosing the shrew as a serious threat to man? A drunk guy put a wig on his dog and said “you know what? ‘e kinda looks like a kil-*hic* killer shrew. (in color)”

Coonhounds in costumes are the real heroes of this creature feature. They have to put up with man. The protagonist is a highly unlikable sour sea merchant named Thorne. Then of course there’s the scientist who created the killer shrews in the first place, Marlowe. They both live. The unnatural creations never got to kill their evil god, and that’s a damned shame.

Marlowe actually intended to end world hunger by creating tiny humans who would eat less and also prevent overcrowding. But instead he ruined the lives of a bunch of furry little critters.

Speaking of furry little critters, I got a hamster last week! We named her Nora. She is curious and so far appears to be very sweet. I wonder what she thinks about. Global warming? Alien life in the swirling cosmos? Kitten sacrifice? HUMAN sacrifice? Escaping the island in a tank made of repurposed 50-gallon drums? Who can say? She likes carrots; doesn’t like blackberries. Probably a fan of both Iron Maiden and Taylor Swift.

And bytheway—I should mention this film is in color! Y’all ever notice how colorized films are a different sort of viewing experience? It’s like watching watercolor paintings bleed into eachother. The dimensions all feel flattened and the palette isn’t nearly expansive enough. Am I alone on this?

A tropical storm keeps everyone on the island grounded for a time when they should be escaping. The scientist’s buxom (in color) daughter, Ann, is especially desperate to get away from the killer shrews and her ex fiancé respectively. A few altercations later they manage to build a tank out of 50-gallon drums and shimmy to the ocean to board the boat and sail to safety.

I enjoyed the journey enough, but hated the ending. Also, if you like characters standing around and flappin’ their gums, you’ll love The Killer Shrews. A better version of this movie would be a compilation of all the dog-shrews set to “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” or “Down with the Sickness.” Ya know, I’m sure that’s out there. But anyway, sometimes a creature feature is a creature feature and nothing more.

4/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!

-Rat