Schlock du Jour: Kolobos (1999)

This is the true story, of seven five strangers, picked to live in a (murder) house, and have their lives taped. Find out what happens, when people stop being polite, and start getting real dead.

This movie made me scratch my head so hard I hit bone. There’s a legitimate reason it remained overlooked for such a long time. It’s a hot mess, which is precisely why you should feed it into your eye holes. Two giallo fanboys fresh outta film school (who had probably only ever actually seen SUSPIRIA) decided to make a movie, and that movie is KOLOBOS.

Plot: Five people agree to live in a house together and have it filmed. /Plot.

I thought there would be more to it than this.

KOLOBOS desperately wanted to star Jason Biggs and Mena Suvari, but settled for community theatre actors instead. The cast is comprised of enriched white flour, wheat germ, and milk. It wanted to be a riff on The Real World, but the cast was less diverse than Old Navy during the annual cardholder’s weekend sale. The five characters who have to live in the house together are as follows:

1. White shy painter girl with mental issues

2. White raver girl with JNCOS

3. White hack comedian douchebag with frosted tips

4. White academic guy with sweaters

5. White D-list actress with illusions of grandeur

The most dramatic thing that happens between the melanin-deficient club is that they get bored watching movies. Not exactly “Real World” material. Then of course people start to die. “Hallelujah!” you may think, but I actually take umbrage with how that all goes down! For starters, they kill off the best character first!

It’s me. I’m the best. I have very deep dimples in this movie but the author didn’t bother to get a screen grab. I should have gotten naked in this movie but I didn’t.

Killing off the best characters first isn’t the only transgression KOLOBOS has against me. Hyper-saturated flashing lights that don’t mingle with the flat tone of the film is the next unholy dagger that was plunged into my gut. As this isn’t an art film, unexplained effects like flashing lights without a source or purpose should just be avoided.

There’s a villain who cuts his own face off and an ending that tries to tie everything together, but KOLOBOS put my fiancée to sleep and she managed to stay awake through THE NUN, so I can’t give it too much credit. I can’t quite figure out why Arrow released this one, even after reading all the liner notes and watching the special features. They herald the film as being a precursor of movies to come–things like the SAW franchise, but honestly, that’s a stretch. Naturally I’m thrilled when any lesser-known movie gets a spotlight treatment. I’m team archive and preserve! Let’s see if I can Joe Bob this baby into something more.

Buzzsaw-fu!

JNCO-fu!

Lack-of-nudity-fu!

Suspiria-themesong-ripoff-fu!

Well dammit I tried. But I encourage everyone to give this oddball a watch. It might just rock your particular set of jollies.

4/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!

-Rat


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