The Merits of Sin: Magic Crystal (1986) (Hong Kong)

Almost exhausting in its wealth of lunacy, Magic Crystal comes off as some sort of cocaine infused hybrid of the popular Spielberg action/adventure films of the 80s. There was money to be made and HK schlock auteur Jing Wong wasn’t about to let that go unnoticed.

All the moneys

The Hunting Eagles is a two man task force comprised of likable and laidback bad ass Andy and his dopey buddy Pancho. They do some work for the Hong Kong police with the understanding that if shit ever goes south the police will deny any knowledge of their existence, but the gig pays well so everyone seems happy with the arrangement. Andy gets a call from his archeologist buddy, Shen, who has just discovered a rare gem in Greece. This discovery has put the KGB on his tail as well as two Interpol agents (one portrayed by Cynthia “bad ass fabulous” Rothrock) who are attempting to protect him from the Soviet threat.

Bad Ass Bae

Andy and Pancho head out to Greece, taking along Andy’s nerdy little nephew Pin-Pin for some sightseeing. This is when things get complicated. Turns out the KGB is working for some evil dude named Karov (Australian stunt specialist/martial artist Richard Norton doing a bizarre Russian/French accent with touches of that Aussie twang) and he is obsessed with getting his hands on that rare gem. Said rare gem is actually an alien life form taking up the appearance of jade and this life form just happens to fall into the hands of that adorable pip squeak Pin-Pin after Shen gets shot and has to ditch the goods.

Bin Bin as Pin-Pin

Now, back in Hong Kong, Karov and his vast criminal network are after the jade/alien (jadlien?) and Andy and company are thrown into the mix along with Pin-Pin’s television addicted mother and Shen’s hot and worried sister.

The Hans Gruber genetic tinkering experiments were a mild success

Everyone is an expert martial artist and Pin-Pin forges a friendship with his telepathically communicating gem. They manage to shake fingers when the glowing green rock grows out a suspiciously penis looking finger for Pin-Pin to grip. As uncomfortable as that may be, it’s all within the realm of PG entertainment but, as this trash addled adult can attest, it’s so completely bonkers it never feels like it was made for children. Toilet humor, feet for hands and mullets all make an appearance and there is so much going on that it’ll take a heavy dose of Ritalin to focus on everything wrong with the plot… not that you should be doing that anyways. A must for fans of kicks, booby trapped caves and adorable dorks. 8/10

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