The Merits of Sin: Burglar From Hell (1993) (USA)

There’s a shit ton of dumb in the world and this isn’t anything new. Dumb has been bubbling up from this mostly full glass of crap since Ooog drew a picture of his kill on a cave wall and exaggerated the size. Dumb has been here, dumb will always be here and as much as dumb can ruin a good day…dumb can also lead to an explosion of joy. Wonderfully idiotic joy. Did you think I was gonna get political? Come on now ya pretty little sugar shadows (I don’t know what that means), I’m talking about an SOV crack-baby born in some trash covered alley in Queens.

Pretty little sugar shadow

In between the rambling and poorly delivered dialogue concerning racial tensions in America and hand gestures expressing emotions which exist somewhere outside of the realm of human feelings, we interchange boredom with a bit of awe and a whole lot of head shaking.

Give us a little shake

Frank the Tank is a violent criminal (our introduction to him consists of him casing a house and ripping out the throat of a nosey neighbor) who breaks into the wrong house and takes a shotgun blast to the chest courtesy of the elderly woman he’s trying to rob. She buries his big ass in her backyard and succumbs to a heart attack shortly after.

The Tank… in happier times

A year passes and we are introduced to a small group of friends with the combined thespian skills of a stale loaf of Italian bread. Mike and his girlfriend are constantly arguing about his roommate Jake, Jake is pissed at Mike’s gal Chris because of her insistence on making Jake sleep in his car when she comes over and Chris is getting fed up with Mike refusing to move in with her and solving the Jake problem for good. As relief to this triangle that nobody in their right mind gives a shit about, another buddy (Conrad) stops on by with his new lady Token. There’s issues here as well, with Token’s gang leader ex but that hardly effects our group of unlovable losers it’ll just add another body to the slowly approaching corpse heap. Conrad invites Mike and Jake to get away for the weekend and join him in renting a house. Said house happens to be the very place where Frank The Tank met his untimely but well deserved demise but the gaggle of morons has no way of knowing there’s a hulking corpse six feet under their rented backyard.

It’ll help

The addition of the annoying “funny man” Rich completes the group and puts them on their way to a vacation in a different part of Queens. We get about an hour of goofing around until Token decides to impress her boyfriend’s non believing friends and work some magic to cause it to rain. She messes up the ritual and accidentally resurrects the dangerous psychopath underneath the lawn. The Tank is back and a little drippy, he also cracks jokes and laughs at them constantly as he murders his way through the five friends and some random ass people unfortunately hanging around the area.

Wrong place. Wrong time.

Frank’s face continues to mutate (he may be decaying but I’ll be damned if it looks like he’s rotting, looks more like an incredibly nasty allergic reaction to crustaceans) as he goes along his brutal business. There ain’t much going on outside of the awkward dialogue and human interactions for the majority of the film but eventually we get to some diarrhea curses, dumbass pranks, and a struggle with lower tier scream queen Debbie D (providing some BEWBS!!!) which leads to Frank’s penis falling off and rolling out his pant leg. There’s a lot here that could frustrate those with limited patience but the rewards of inanity outweigh the butt numbing ineptitude. 6/10


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