Schlock du Jour: Who Killed Captain Alex? (2010)

Knowing that those around me have witnessed my floundering lows makes me feel…exposed. Even once the depression cycle has ended, I have to exist knowing that they have seen me in that state. It is for this reason that Schlock is my friend. Schlock doesn’t judge. Schlock only supports me. Schlock is love. Shlock is heart.

Schlock is there for me. Schlock cares.

A lost film from one of the poorest countries in the world, Uganda, WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX? is the most DIY heart-filled movie oddity this side of ALIEN BEASTS. If the Oscars were awarded based on heart alone, WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX? would have clinched a clean sweep. Before the movie begins, the intro (disclaimer?) card reads:

“Uganda’s First action movie was produced, written, directed, shot and edited by Nabwana IGG in January, 2010. It was made from his home in the village of Wakaliga, and it quickly became a sensation throughout the slums of Uganda.

This is a lost film. All that survives is a low-resolution DVD master. This is due, in part, to the harsh working conditions, but Nabwana IGG also erased his computer to make his next action film, TEBAATUSASULA.

He never imagined anyone outside his own village would see this film.”

Magical.

First, the plot. WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX? is about Captain Alex’s police commandos vs the dastardly, drug-pushing Tiger Mafia. After a brief song and dance performance by a local woman wherein the audience keeps asking her to sing Dolly Parton, a bar brawl breaks out.

Shortly after the combat, we learn that the commandos have kidnapped and killed the brother of the Tiger Mafia leader, Richard, and you better believe old Dick wants revenge. Before he can get it though, Captain Alex is killed. But who killed Captain Alex?

Was it Spider-Man perhaps?
Or perhaps it was this sleepy mercenary with his gun made of toilet paper tubes and tape.

The actors run around screen like they’ve been in class all day but it’s finally recess. They’re making an action movie and that’s a huge deal! You can tell they can’t wait to enjoy this movie with their friends and family. There’s some espionage, there’s some comedy, but mostly, there’s da action. But that’s not all!

Enter the show-stealer, VJ Emmie, who acts as a voiceover dub actor, a narrator, and a hype-man all at once. It’s like having a very excitable friend that makes you watch his favorite movie with him. He keeps reminding you (in shouted voiceover) that what you are watching is, in fact, a movie, and that the title of da movie is WHO KILLED CAPTAIN ALEX. But it doesn’t end there.

Have the past 4 seconds not been action packed? Never fear! Enter VJ Emmie with lines like “Now you gonna see, this is how we do action in Uganda,” and “Action is coming, I promise you,” before exclaiming “What the heck?!” moments later when action erupts in the form of a barrage of bullets and computerized blood and fire effects. This movie delivers more fun than the Duggars deliver babies! (how’s that for a totally topical, not dated in the least bit reference?)

Surely not everybody was Kung-Fu fighting.

WKCA flies on by, borrowing music from Seal and the soundtrack of Mama Mia while pummeling the screen with commandos, explosions, and bliss.

Now that’s what I call a kiss from a rose!

When the day is up, and you have become weary… When it feels like there’s no one around who cares… When the night is sodden, dark, and dreary… Ugandan schlock will always be there.

10/10

Check it out yourself in the new release from everybody’s favorite, AGFA, in the new release: WAKALIWOOD SUPA ACTION VOLUME 1, where it comes coupled with the movie BAD BLACK.

No word yet on if we’ll get to see TEBAATUSASULA in a future volume, but fingers are firmly crossed.

Stay slime, and be rad all da time!

-Rat


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