Schlock du Jour: Satan’s Children (1975)

Arriving in the Spook du Jour headquarters mailbox hot off the presses from AGFA is the double bill of SATANIS: THE DEVIL’S MASS and SATAN’S CHILDREN. While SATANIS has its own merits of sin as the 1970 interview montage with Anton LaVey, his disciples, and his neighbors regarding the early days of the Church of Satan, today I’ll be reviewing the latter film.

In the case of movies that contain a bonus film, the bonus is often regarded as a post-nasal drip of the other, existing as a by-product of the first without contributing much on its own. Well, SATAN’S CHILDREN is on par with, if not better than, the main feature, though I’ll willingly admit I’m also a little biased, because Tampa regional homophobic after school specials for undesirables are basically my main jam.

The movie begins with a mischievous glimmer in the eyes of a teen boy named Bobby. Bobby mows the yard while a gal in a bikini enjoys a lazy day by the pool. The young lady definitely wants to jump his bones and grind his pelvis into powder. It seems innocent enough until we learn that this little gremlin is actually his stepsister.

Step-Gremlin.

She comes on strong, making penis jokes to Bobby and giving him footie J’s under the dining table. His stepfather is the other bane of his existence, as his only setting is verbal abuse of his stepson. It doesn’t take long for the boy to say something along the lines of “Go to Hell old man,” and fly the coop. This is Bobby’s world. He’ll do what he wants.

*I was tempted to edit Bobby’s face onto the body of Bobby from Bobby’s World here, but I showed some restraint and for that I’d like some credit.

He wanders to a diner where he gets tricked into hopping onto the back of a rapists motorcycle and going back to his house. The man calls his rapist friends up and they rape him in a moving car (while I shake my head) and dump the Bobby, er…body. The body of Bobby is then found by a satanic cult of 15, who love to play a game where they all scramble frantically for a ball. Let’s call it scramble ball

“What the fuck are we playing?” “Who knows, Fred, just have fun!” “Hail Satan!”

The satanists bring him back to the compound which causes a little rift in the cult. Simon, the leader, is out on a spiritual retreat or something, so Sherry, the next in command, is calling the shots. It doesn’t take long for some infighting and subsequent murders and torture. One female member is tortured for her gay fantasies. Then it’s time for Sherry to sex up Bobby. Simon returns like a silent shroud, looking like a lady with a mustache, and he is none too pleased. Whether this is due to seeing them in bed together or due to his uncomfortably large pinky ring is never explained.

“My name is Simon, and you are in trouble.” -actual quote!

Simon unleashes his restrained wrath, having Sherry bury herself before she is doused in what appears to be syrup, and kicks over some nearby anthills. Bobby sees this then flees. Then the hunt for Bobby is on as he runs wildly through the wilderness in his briefs for quite some time. Eventually he escapes his pursuers with a little help from some quicksand.

I never got to have my scramble ball rematch!

As insane as all of this is, the ending is truly shocking, so skip to the end if you are concerned with spoilers from a 44 year old movie. Allow this pic to serve as your final warning.

This is your final warning

So as I was saying…

Bobby returns home all muddy and murders the heck out of his stepdad. Then he sets out and murders his rapists. Then he hacks up their bodies, ties up his gremlin of a stepsister, and delivers them to Simon. The movie ends with Bobby fucking Sherry while the Gremlin is crucified outside.

You may resume

SATAN’S CHILDREN is batshit. If you told me it was written by a blind reverend made entirely out of cocaine laced pasta salad, I wouldn’t bat an eye. It’s the sort of feature that makes me glad to have found my way into the steaming sewers with the derelicts, where the movies have been seeded by aliens.

I would personally watch this as a double feature with something like DEATH BED: THE BED THAT EATS, or something by Jean Rollin. Perhaps FASCINATION. And of course you can’t go wrong in pairing it with SATANIS: THE DEVIL’S MASS. Grab some Doritos, some Pepsi, and have a ball.

8/10

Stay slime, and be rad at all times!

-Rat


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