Schlock du Jour: Shark Exorcist (2016)

“Thats the thing about almost dying Emily. It’s a real buzzkill.”

Shark week is upon us once again! For many of us, shark week isn’t just something that happens annually on Discovery, as we are out here living our best shark lives—but the majority of the population get their fill from the outlined portion comprising 1/52nd of their year. For those folks I say “The power of krill compels you!” Wait, that’s whales. Whatever.

So what is this movie about? Is it:

a) A shark that is also an exorcist.
b) The movie THE EXORCIST, except, you know, with a shark.
c) A man bent on exorcising a shark as the driving force for the movie.
No, the correct answer is:
d) None of the above.
noʎ lǝǝɟ I ‘lɹᴉפ

Written and directed by Shot-on-video pioneer Donald Farmer (SAVAGE VENGEANCE, DEMON QUEEN), SHARK EXORCIST tells the story(?) of a devil shark summoned into a lake by a fallen nun to punish the world, I guess? The shark then bites people who then also become possessed.  Sounds like a fucking blast, right?

Hi! I’m Donald Farmer.

A few people die but not many, and not in any way that could be considered morbidly or even cathartically satisfying. Dialogue thuds woodenly out of the mouths of everyone involved as they make the least natural conversation in the history of ever. Girls in bikinis bitch at each other, and choose places the lay out and tan that are more dirt than grass. Inconsistency is all over. Surprised I haven’t elaborated on the shark? That’s because there’s not much to speak of. A CG shark with glowing eyes is shown swimming through the stillest, bluest water, while above the surface the water is brown and green. The shark is never seen actually biting anyone. Instead we have to rely on what is implied, which for a shark attack movie, is pretty balls.

A couple times the shark is channeled. Once through a Redhead medium tv host for a show called Ghost Whackers. The shark has nothing interesting to say and that thread just stays loose and as unimportant as every other decision made in this thing. Nobody on camera really appears to be having fun. The movie itself is no fun. The independent spirit never leaps off of the screen to rattle the cockles of my heart like in so many other low budget trash heaps. It pains me to say that SHARK EXORCIST is the worst and least sharky shark movie I’ve ever seen. Yes, perhaps even less sharky than DICKSHARK.

Hooker, shark, or vampire?
It’s a movie that would benefit from several dozen more gallons of fake blood, a shark puppet, and at least one goddamn practical effect. Instead we get two, TWO after credits scenes that run nearly ten minutes in all that nobody asked for. Oh what could have been…
Go watch 15-headed Shark Attack instead.

1/10

-Elliot “Rat” Ross

I actually spent time drawing this…

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s