Spook du jour

The product of the unholy fornication between a video camera and a pile of trash, Hellroller is a garbage epic that entertains with its ineptness as it stretches the viewers patience. If you don’t mind smelling like a dumpster for the rest of your life, I suggest you jump on in.

Eugene is a miserable homeless person, pushed around LA by his mother (Mary fuckin Woronov billed as Penny Arcade). A quick revelation shows her not to be his mother at all but his aunt who has raised him since his real mother was raped and murdered by horny conjoined twins. This is also the reason he’s in a wheelchair as he was dropped when they started groping his mom/hooker. His aunt is soon robbed, raped and killed by two bums (thankfully off screen) and Eugene loses it.

Eugene teams up with a mentally challenged Tennessean named Donald and begins taking his revenge on all the normies he’s grown to hate. Their first victim is a gym owner who rudely tossed Eugene out. After that Eugene spots a newscast saying that supermodel Michelle Novak is in town and decides she’ll be next.

Ms. Novak (Michelle Bauer who would go onto “better” things like Sexercise and Bikini Drive-In) spends an extended amount of time performing an odd mix of aerobics/undressing/stripping before she gets into the bathtub. Eugene and Donald force their way into her hotel room. For some reason Eugene kills Donald when he attacks Michelle but then ends up slaughtering her anyways. Ok.

We’re “treated” to another endless scene of a woman dancing and getting naked (this lady being porn star Hyapatia Lee) before jumping in the shower and getting murdered by the handicapable killer.

Twitchy Eugene continues his mutilating and his mental state deteriorates right along with it. He runs into trouble with some sort of king of the street people thanks to his actions. He also visits a mad doctor and pays him for a potion to turn all the normals into bums. He succeeds but he won’t be around long enough to enjoy his victory because his actions are about to catch up with him.

There’s a lot wrong with Hellroller. The handheld camera was obviously operated by a semi-blind person with Parkinson’s and a finger constantly tapping the zoom. Outside of the shocking cameo from Mary Woronov and the always welcome Michelle Bauer, there’s not much to recommend in the casting section. Although it really fits the “dump truck in August” vibe permeating the film’s loooooong 70ish minutes. Luckily for all us idiots, there’s enough zero budget charm to make the trip worthwhile. 6/10