Schlock du Jour: Blessed are the Children (2016)

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directed by Chris Moore

WildEye Releasing

I don’t have a story to kick this off. I don’t have a hot take or an old experience to reminisce on; I don’t have a preamble of history and/or trivia. What I have is this: BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN is a flick you might’ve missed, and you should maybe rectify that for one crucial reason. Religious baby zealots with straight razors!!!
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Traci talks to herself a looooot. She also needs to get her romantic life together. She has a psychotic ex-fiancé (one wonders how they even ever connected in the first place) and a hilariously insensitive and dickbaggish fuck buddy. She ends up getting pregnant and heads to get an abortion. The crybaby zealots lurk in the parking lot, giving Traci the heebies.
Her two friends (one a 26 year-old virgin babe and the other a cropped hair having southern bisexual gal) offer her encouragement and support, after she has the procedure, but don’t really do the best job protecting her considering we lose our main heroine halfway through the movie. This thang is off the rails! After that it’s all about attempted survival for anyone else that pops on screen, and unfortunately for most, they end up meeting their demise in surprisingly brutal and bloody fashions.
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The imagery is a definite highlight for BLESSED. Feast your eyes:
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Heeeeeeere’s—
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—Baby!
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I know 😦
The crying baby mask has given me the jeebies ever since I first saw it in the youtube video “I am Your Grandma.” I was thrilled to see it put to use here. Then of course, there’s the blood. A couple nice buckets worth. Stir in a refreshing brand of humor and bring to a boil for a significant part of BLESSED’s success.
What BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN lacks in polish (there’s some dodgy ADR work, a couple brief sound issues, and some prop and editing flubs) it more than makes up for with its supreme watchability. I mean shit, I have my own flaws (see: raggedy cuticles, thinning hair) but people still like to hang out with me, right!? BatC is ultimately a good amateur movie. It has a vibe that jives, don’t hate the playa, jah feel?
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What the fuck am I doing?
Maybe you’re just sick.
I’m a little sick, but not deliriously so.
Maybe you’re going crazy.
I’m not going crazy.
You should get an abortion.
No, what? I’m not pregnant. Also, I’m a man.
You should let someone cut you open?
I’m sorry? Come again?
You should let aomeone cut you open with a straight razor and replace your organs with deli meats.
We’re done here.
You will be a human sandwich by the time I’m through with you!
What? Who are you?
My name is Garvic.
Garlic?
Gar-vic. Don’t ask, my parents are weird.
Ok.
Thanks.
-Elliot

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