Schlock du Jour: Psycho Cop (1989)

“Why would he come after us? We haven’t done anything wrong.”
“He’ll think of a reason, cops love to hassle people.”

You damn right.

Call me Mr. On-the-Nose, because I’m topical like ointment, baby! Police are beating the shit out of everyone in real life, because the majority are racist, butt-picking, trigger-happy, Call of Duty playing asshole bullies. It is for that reason that I popped on the old YouTube and watched my first of many horror movies about bad cops, PSYCHO COP.

Blue Lives Murder

PSYCHO COP is a documentary about satanic serial killer Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration. Actually, Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration just stars in the titular role as PSYCHO COP, or, as I prefer to call him: Bob Vance, Vance Law Enforcement. These are all true statements.

A swath of white teens go camping in the woods. The kids are Laura, Zack, Dougie, Spoonman, Hambone, and Jumanji. Alright you called my bluff… It’s Laura, Zack, Dougie, Eric, Julie, and Sarah. Laura tells a pretty good joke, and the punchline isn’t “a gangbang.”

What has 18 legs and 2 tits? THE SUPREME COURT HAHAHAHA!

As they are enjoying beer and a laugh on the way to camp, they spot a squad car ahead. They pass squad car 113 and the first irrational wave of paranoia hits, and the girls start wanting to turn toward home just because they passed a cop. They change their tune however, when they pull up to the McMansion that is where they will be “camping.” They meet the caretaker, who is a dashing blonde boy instead of a grizzled old creeps-inducing skeleton of a man. The blondie says “I’m always around” and gives a brief tour.

16 year old Paul Walker wasn’t imposing enough so they got 30 year old Wall Pocker instead.

The teens start to try to have a good time by the pool, but it’s not long at all before they start getting paranoid again by things like missing beers and hairbrushes. This bizarre paranoia infects them all like they’re a bunch of fuckin Chuckie Finsters for the runtime of the whole dang movie. It’s like helloooo? Can somebody please just get gratuitously naked? They must have all been boring honor students.

As close as it gets. One soapy leg.

One of the things that goes missing is the caretaker’s axe. Then the caretaker himself! He said he would always be around, but he hath not been. Probably because he was too busy getting brutalized by the POLICE, as you do.

GASP! My cleavin’ stick’s a-missin’!

What follows is what you would expect, just with less blood and zero nudity. Bob Vance Cop takes his time dinking around the woods. The teens get picked off. Other police officers show up to explain Psycho Cop’s Satanic backstory (SataniCop?) before they too are laid to waste. Eventually Psycho Cop dies in the most absurd way possible. But does he really die? Well let’s just say there’s a PSYCHO COP RETURNS.

The gang writes a sequel.

Bobby Ray Shafer has a great absurd performance, playing the cop almost as though he is A.I. that has become wholly sentient, and speaks only in one-liners. The one-liners could have used a punch-up session around the writer’s table, but regardless of that fact, I appreciated the silliness. I would have liked at least one scene between the cop a would-be victim, where they are having a conversation and the tension really builds with the victim thinking maybe they would be saved from the killer since the police are here, but they slowly start to pick up on abnormalities. Like why would the cop say this, or why is the cop holding that? Is the cop the murderer? But the protagonist victim would also be doubting themselves, because police are supposed to protect and serve, right!?

Right?

Right?

Right.

You have the right to remain…DEAD!

Protest safely,

-Elliot.


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