The Merits of Sin: Moonchild (1994) (USA)

In a dystopian future ruled by a chunky dollar store Emperor Palpatine with 666 carved on his belly, an experimental super soldier by the name of Jacob Stryker has just escaped the prison center he has been held captive in. This is bad news for the head of the empire’s military (and “do-it-yourself” Darth Vader standin) Lothos. The hard ass general hates bad news and can not allow this blemish on his record to stand. But worry not, you don’t rise in the ranks of the military ruling class without having a few pocket aces.

Budgetary cuts run rampant

Lothos brings in a few bounty hunters to track down the only man to escape his clutches. There’s a ninja who is pretty much introduced and forgotten about, a cyborg with a buzzsaw in his tummy, a level 7 bounty hunter named Ursula who successfully pulls off the skin tight body suit she rocks and then a murder-grandma by the name of Medusa who delivers death instead of rock hard butterscotch candies.

She collected the ultimate bounty…my heart

The odds are stacked against our fleeing hero but fortunately for him he’s about to be taken in by the underground rebellion. Cautious of this wanderer at first, they soon come to find a kindred spirit in Mr. Stryker… especially when he reveals that his son was also experimented on by the ruling class and may be the key to saving all of mankind.

This birthday card will include 5 bucks and DEATH

The helpful rebellion scientist delivers some good and bad news. The good news: Jacob’s cells have been spliced with that of a wolf, so he can transform into a super strong man-wolf and kick some ass when it’s convenient to the story. The bad news: the empire has a contingency plan in order by planting a bomb in his guts that will go off in 72 hours of his escape from the compound. This puts our rag tag group of lovable losers on a time crunch to take down the evil ruling class, save their new friend’s game-changing son and possibly get their hands on a device that will save Jacob from spontaneous combustion.

Stealth Mode: Activated

Low budget SOV legend, Todd Sheets, drops the splatter (for the most part) and genital mutilation to deliver one hell of a bottom of the trash can epic. It’s like the unholy offspring of Star Wars and a late 80s Italian apocalyptic garbage fire. Our heroes travel through what’s left of Chicago, encountering cannibalistic mutants who are about as threatening as a sweat stained shirt found discarded in a gym bathroom and meeting up with a few allies (big hoss Rocky being a particular favorite). There’s plenty of fighting, all choreographed by a few teens with backyard wrestling credentials, and plenty of talking. Boredom manages to seep in sometimes but you’re just a few minutes away from some atrociously delivered dialogue or a pissed off murder-grandma so it never stains your time with the movie. Car chases presented in amateur glory and transformation effects made possible by bladder abuse and basement digital magic only work to warm my heart. This movie is rad as hell and belongs in any trash film lover’s SOV essentials.

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