[Off-Putting Ride Metaphor] CarousHELL (2016)

“Look, a horse.”

“No, that’s a unicorn.”

“What’s the difference?”

“Horn coming out of its head.”

~Actual dialog from CarousHell

In Steve Rudzinski’s Murdercorn movie a carousel unicorn breaks free from its ride prison (due to a “blood-borne pathogen” (a plotline that was ditched pretty early on because second drafts are bullshit amIrigh?) and- more importantly- because it just got pissed off enough and chose to). Then, yeah, it kills lots of people. And in a lot of different ways! That’s the fun part. There’s horn stuff…

.Bitey stuff…

Piano wire stuff…

Hey some of these effects are NOT bad!

And melty stuff…

And some other fun kills I’m not about to spoil.

There were some grimy surprises throughout, and there was no time wasted getting horns in bodies, so that much I appreciated along with the above-bottom-shelf practical effects. There were some weird, dated generational and homophobic content played for parody, which I bristled at, but pretty much everyone dies in one horrific way or another, so I chalk it up to a wash.


At one point, one of the leads, this kid, Larry, gets on the titular ride and says something along the lines of, aw there’s only a unicorn left, this is like the gayest one! Jeez! Dude, you’re already on a fuckin carousel. Lean in. Have a gay time. I know I did.

There’s Larry on the left with his ska band lookin ass.
Sometimes in life, you get hooved to death on bass sheets. It’s a funny sorta adventure.

I was delighted to see the amount of people who consented to participate in this movie. This guy just pops up to get axed literally a minute later.

With his discount Dave Grohl lookin ass.

So, enjoy as is, with the above average camera work, visceral audio struggles, and ear-drilling dialog, OR pump your favorite ska playlist and put it on mute, either way, it’s an okay thing to chore to. Thanks, Steve!

And your Franko Sam Rockwell Jim Dollar Tree Carrey lookin ass.

❤ Jeremy

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