Review: The Necro Files (1997)

Directed by: Matt Jaissle
runtime: 72 mins.

I know I’ve been inactive for awhile. I had to go away. During that time I’ve learned and grown. Yeah, it’s true! And I’ve watched such awe-inspiring features as TITANIC 666 and SORORITY SLAUGHTER. Yet I realize I haven’t been here to provide you the chuckles and yuks you’ve come to expect from my dubious insight. But hey, I need you to know something…

With that out of the way, let’s talk about THE NECRO FILES.

It’s Seattle in the mid nineties. A psychotic serial rapist and murderer is at large. He is stalking his latest victim as she showers. She does this very naked (typical). He strangles her in the kitchen, then gruesomely murders her while raping her. He then tries to eat her nipple but ends up throwing it up. He’s the scuzziest of the scuzzy. Was he born this way, or did Kurt Cobain’s death just hit him really hard? We aren’t given this information, but two cops who can only shout their dialogue get a lead on his location and go check it out.

The loose cannon Manners and muthafucka Sloane are on the case!

The smaller cop, Manners, sounds like Rick Sanchez from Rick and Morty, and Sloane looks and sounds like he always has indigestion. It’s a sight to behold as they continually shout all of their lines with no emotion on their faces, but I digress. They confront the serial sicko, and Manners comes unglued, killing him via gun violence.

“Something in the way // mmmmm

Well if the movie ended there we’d be in trouble, wouldn’t we? Fortunately, there’s infant sacrifice. What I mean to say is, a demonic cult finds his grave nine months later and sacrifices a baby over it, summoning the scumbag to rise again. Rise again he does in the form of a zombie with a 16 inch hard on. He has no love for the cult however, and attacks the leader, tearing off his wiener and then ripping him in half, sending the rest of the cult scattering like cockroaches.

Come as you are”
“What else should I be? // All apologies.”

The zombie continues his spree of murder and rape across town among a series of different victims. Manners the cop gets into hard drugs and goes off the deep end as one of the larger plot points. The cult tries to raise a “demonic janitor” to clean up this mess they’ve made. The demonic janitor turns out to be a flying demon baby.

There are some excellent chase scenes and more murders, and well, that’s what this movie is! We just have to sit back and watch the chaos of it all coalesce into one of the finest examples of tasteless shot-on-video trash in existence. It is the definition of batshit crazy. At one point a cult member complains about not getting any cinnamon crispitos. At another point a dude tries to save his girlfriend while wearing a WEEKEND AT BERNIES II hat. I like to think that was in the script and they had to work overtime to find the hat.

Baby Kills-A-Lot is on the case!

Yes this movie is absolutely tasteless and classless, but let’s stop pretending we’re above all that for a second. It’s short runtime and bizarre content makes it supremely watchable if you don’t possess any triggers. And it’s on YouTube. Or do you mean to tell me you’re really gonna go watch MORBIUS?

So thanks for doing your part, you sure are smart! You know with me and you, and flying babies too, we can do anything—that we wanna do.

9/10

-Elliot (ReelRat)

“Light my candles in a daze cause I found God”

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