Spook du jour

Fangboner, or as I like to call it: The Greatest Crotch Vampire Story Ever Told

Starring: Brian Papandrea, Emily Hilborn, Sadie Tate, Sheri Darling

Director: Nathan Rumler

Company: Rock Bottom Video

Year: 2015

How does one even go about reviewing the greatest crotch vampire story ever told? It’s not easy, I tell you. I can only hope my review does this modern classic the justice it deserves. So, without further ado…

The tale of Fangboner, possibly my favorite micro-budget/SOV movie of all time, begins with Dick, a very hungover party boy who wakes up on his couch late one afternoon to a phone call from Party Slut #4. She tells him that they had partied together and hooked up a few nights ago. For whatever reason, Party Slut #4 found something charming about Dick, not knowing that he’s sniffing his fingers over on the other side of the call, and with the knowledge that he completely forgot what her name is. Party Slut #4 is soon revealed to be Suzy.

After being invited over to Suzy’s house for a sexual rendezvous, Dick arrives and lays on the charm pretty heavily (sarcasm). Any tension caused by his awkward-at-best social skills is broken when he goes to the bathroom to piss out the twelve bottles of water he’d consumed since waking up, and sprays his face with an unstoppable super-soaker stream of urine through a hole in the shaft of his badly mutilated penis. Not one to ruin a good time or give up too easily, Dick humbly admits to “accidentally” pissing all over his own face when Suzy opens the bathroom door. Somehow, the lovely Suzy is undeterred by this, and agrees to let him use her shower while she washes his piss-stained clothes.

It’s easy to see how Suzy was able to find and appreciate the charms of Dick when he selflessly refuses a blowjob and offers instead to perform cunnilingus upon her still-healthy vagina. We all know that willingness and enthusiasm toward eating pussy is the sign of a true man, and Dick, despite his social shortcomings, is clearly no slouch. And, according to my wife, he is “actually pretty damn hot.” Unfortunately, only seconds into performing the act, something goes awry. Horribly awry. His tongue has swelled up massively, and suddenly resembles…I don’t know. A very large, bloody, sore-dappled tongue. It looked vaguely phallic, but…I’m pretty sure it was just supposed to be a big nasty tongue that mutilates genitals.

Fast forward to later that night when Dick returns to Suzy’s house from the library. He’s done some research, and gained some clarity in regards to his memory about the party last night. There’d been a girl there. They’d gone off into the woods together. She had bitten his dick and passed onto him a strange, vampiric STD. Or STI, I think they’re called now. Whatever. Soon after, it is discovered that Dick is cured due to his passing on of the STD to Suzy. From there on, the two embark on a reluctant adventure that consists of trying to pass the crotch-vampire infection onto others and each other, stealing coke from a narcoleptic drug dealer, and a bunch of other shit. You might think I’ve told you too much, but I’ve barely even covered the first third of the movie. I didn’t even mention the naked vampire/alien girl, the Jesus butt plug, the Criswellian alien overlord, and the tremendous cameo performance by Sadie Tate as Hooker, and Dick’s creative methods of performing cunnilingus.

The cast is exceptional. Brian Papandrea, who plays Dick, lends genuine charm to the role with his blend of “classic handsome” and “punk rock nerd” looks, and trademark smile. Emily Hilborn, who sadly only has two acting credits to her name, plays the part of Suzy, remarkably. (The other credit being Nathan Rumler’s Amityville Vibrator, quite possibly my other favorite SOV horror film, which I plan on reviewing here very soon.) I’d almost think she wasn’t entirely enthusiastic about acting in the film, due to her stunning ability to portray just about every scenester girl I’ve ever met who thought they were too cool to be pretty much anywhere, and only showed signs of enthusiasm under duress. It’s worth noting that, in true homage to the art of micro-budget film making, a la Samurai Cop, her hair length and color changes back and forth from scene to scene. But if you notice that right away, you aren’t paying attention to the important things. And of course I must mention Sadie Tate’s cameo appearance as “Hooker”. Her cuteness and charm make the appearance memorable, not to mention the fact that she’s clearly a talented actress.

I’ve found a happy place in the films of Nathan Rumler. He’s a breath of fresh air to fans of the art, like me. Unlike many independent schlock/horror filmmakers with a camera and little budget, Rumler does not seek to offend. He instead seeks to entertain. You get a lot from films like Fangboner that you don’t get with other modern SOV horror films, such as charming, talented actors, and brilliantly crafted characters who you actually find yourself sympathizing with and rooting for. I might also say that you don’t get a lot from films like Fangboner that you do get from modern SOV, such as punching down, “edgy” jokes that aren’t funny, and all around weak, racist or homophobic or transphobic material. Even the scene where “Hooker” revealed she was hiding a dildo in her thong for no apparent reason at all was done right, without hate or ridicule against trans people.

In closing, I will say that I can’t recommend Fangboner strongly enough.  

Memorable quotes:

Dick: “You shouldn’t be worried about STDs. You know what you do, if you got an STD though, you find another chick who has the same STD as you, and you bang that shit out.”

Suzy: “I don’t want to be a crotch vampire!”

Suzy: “Don’t be such a homophobe. It’s 2015…You may very well come down the road where you have to suck a dick for survival.”

Dick: “Gay dudes don’t go fishing…He’s probably just working on his tan or something.”

Suzy: “Do you realize how fucked up it that I now have to suck off a headless dead dude?”

Prostitute: “Come on. Take that religion and shove it up my ass. I’m ready for the second coming.” (In regards to getting the Jesus butt plug shoved up her ass.)

Jeff O’Brien aka: The Night Manager lives in southern New Hampshire with his wife. He is the author of such shitty classics as BigBoobenstein, The Halloween Orgy Massacre, Heart-Shaved Box, The Night Manager, and the forthcoming Saint Patrick’s Day.