Schlock du Jour: Slay Belles (2018)

directed by Spooky Dan Walker

runtime: 87 mins
Jingle belle, jingle belle
jingle all the way
Belles have boobs, boobly boobs
and Krampus murders kids!
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Hey!
If you’re looking to have some R-rated fun this holiday season, look no further than SLAY BELLES. Trashiness meets magic under the fanciful umbrella of Christmas.
The movie kicks off with Hallmarky Xmasesque type titles over a yuletide tune turned dubstep. It’s a charming start, and then abruptly we’re looking at blood splattered A+ cleavage. Now I’m hooked and have to watch the movie to see how we get to that destination. It’s a cheap trick, but I can’t deny that it is effective.
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Jingle Hell!
The journey is an amusing one. Three girls with cotton candy colored hair go urban exploring for their YouTube channel. After stopping off at a bar with a hag tending, they are told by a local ranger that some child murders are going down. They do some shots and head back out to their destination. An abandoned Christmas themed park.
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Why isn’t she using the front-facing camera?
They squeeze into various sexy, brightly colored Christmasy costumes looking like an exploded gumball machine, record some asinine video clips, and get attacked by Krampus. Oh jingle shit! What else is there to do than team up with biker Santa (who calls women fat) to neutralize the beast. Cue some more Christmas dubstep.
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“All of y’all have been very naughty! You’ve been treapassing on my property and you been fuckin’ my shit up!” – Santa Claus
SLAY BELLES is an amusing entry into the holiday horror subgenre and the sub-subgenre of Jingle Schlock (yes I just made that up.) It’s silly fun in the vein of Tragedy Girls or The Final Girls (if perhaps Full Moon had produced them) and what better way to celebrate the birth of Christ than with comedic amounts of dubstep and a full helping of Krampus cock?*** SLAY BELLES is only concerned with making sure you’re having fun and at that, it succeeds.
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7/10
***I would love to share pictures of Krampus cock but there were none available in the screener approved stills.
Stay slime, and be rad at all times!
-Rat
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